A FIFO Mom’s ‘One-Second’ Moment of Hope
Shadii's Cafe
August 23, 2019
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Before I left
for work earlier this month, I woke up to find my 11-month-old-daughter snuggled
up to me. One foot was thrown over my tummy, one hand over my neck and her head
nestled gently in the cleft of my chest. I couldn’t stop staring at her peaceful
sleepy face. The love I felt for her was ineffable. All I could think to myself
was, “What did I do so right to deserve her?”
I could
have gladly missed my flight to work, but my 6 o’clock alarm brought me back to
reality. I could have given anything to spend just one more hour holding her
close to me. I re-set my alarm to 6:15, gently pulled her close to me and shut
my eyes.
As I laid
there nestling her tiny body in my arms, my mind begun to wander off to the journey
I had had with her from the moment I found out I was pregnant, to the months
during pregnancy, to the day I had her. The entire pregnancy was a nightmare! I
was diagnosed with Hyperemesis
Gravidarum (severe morning sickness) which caused me to endure severe
nausea, vomiting and fatigue from 14 weeks of pregnancy to the 8th
month – forcing me to resign from my first job. But I thought to myself, if I
was given the chance to go back in time to change this experience, I would
gladly go through it all again.
I remember worrying about EVERYTHING! From what I ate to how often she kicked, how much exercise I was getting or how much rest i should be having. I
thought my worries would subside once I finally had her, but boy did it grow. I worried if she was eating enough, warm enough or sleeping enough. And when
she cried, I wished I knew if it was her ears that hurt or her tummy, or if she was just restless and wanted a bath.
Fast
forward 4 months after she was born, to my current FIFO job and I began to
reflect on all those significant moments of development in her life that I had
missed. I had missed seeing her first tooth grow, watching her crawl for the
first time, and taken her first step. On my first break, I had gone home to
find her doing simple gestures like waving goodbye, shaking her head or saying
simple words like ‘Go’. The next break found her mimicking people’s facial expressions
like winking, sniffing her nose, and poking her tongue. Every time I had
returned home from work, she had not only changed physically, but
psychologically as well. Her vocabulary was developing. She was growing up way
too fast! I could give everything to go through these experiences with her
again. But I know I can’t, and that breaks my heart into a million little pieces.
When my
alarm rang again, I reluctantly slipped out of bed, pulled the doona blanket
over her and started to pack my bag. As I began packing, I took one more glance
at her while mentally calculating my roster and realized that I would be missing
her first birthday! I was devastated! Then it hit me! My mind spiraled out of
control with more events in her life that I might miss. I’m sure I wouldn’t
miss the big events like her graduation or wedding but what about the smaller
but significant ones like: her first day of school, or her first exam? When she
brings home her report card, will I be the first to see it, or will her
grandparents be the first? Or when she grows into a woman and decides to have a
boyfriend, will I be the first person she introduces him to, or her best
friend? Or when she’s faced with a difficult problem, will she run to me first
for advice, or turn to someone who’s become a mentor to her? All because I’m
working away from home! All these events may seem insignificant but as I stood
there packing up, I was faced with a dreadful question: “Will I ever be there for her when she has one
of those ‘first experiences’?”
As I
contemplated all these thoughts, my heart began to sink. But in that moment of
uncertainty, I heard a tiny, sleepy voice call out, “Ma”. I jerked my head towards
her to see her smiling drowsily at me. My heart stopped! I reached out to her, cradled
her into my chest and all of a sudden, tears began to run down my face. I had
cried when I found out I was pregnant, and I cried when I gave birth. I cried
when I was at work and heard that she had done something for the first time,
and I cried when I came back home and saw it myself. I had cried happy tears,
worried tears, and tears of fear. But these tears were of overwhelming joy! This
was the first time she called me ‘Ma’. Even though my job required me to be
away from her for long periods, all those short times I had spent with her when
I returned home did not present any difficulty for her to recognize me. She knows
me! I am her ‘Ma’! I can’t even begin to describe the joy my heart felt. All I
could do was hug her so tight and sob joyfully.
The
emotional challenges for FIFO moms are very real, especially those who are
raising their babies on their own. But believe me, in between these challenging
and frustrating times, we experience shining ‘one-second’ moments of pure love
and joy that makes it all worthwhile.
These
‘one-second’ moments are what keeps us going for our babies. They give us a
glimpse of God’s grace and rejuvenates us with strength we never thought
existed. They give us hope! Hope to believe that when our babies are old
enough, they will understand why we did the things we did. Hope to believe that
they will understand why we had missed out on all those important events in
their lives. Hope to believe that they will know that we will forever treasure
those ‘one-second’ moments we had with them. We would love to be perfect mothers
and to never do wrong by them, but we hope that they will accept that we are
human and are destined to make mistakes. Hope to believe that at the end of the
day, they will understand that we are doing our best to be good mothers.
And all we
can really hope for is that our best is good enough!
Written by: Sharon Kuimbakul
Date: 23rd August, 2019
Written by: Sharon Kuimbakul
Date: 23rd August, 2019
